Ok, so I admit that I like doing this writing lark … I’ve had a few family members read my first post and they were supportive. I’ve been thinking about it non-stop. I’ve had experiences that I instantly wanted to share or talk about. Then the moment has passed because I’ve let something else take precedence.
I’m cross with myself, it’s not like I don’t deserve some down time … but I wonder if there is more to my reluctance to commit … To rectify this, I’m taking advantage of the fact that my partner is away most of this week and I’m determined to schedule in some writing time in the non-child time that I will have. It may be a week of pure drivel but it’s my drivel and I think I need to get it out.
I have many things I want to talk about but I kind of have a ‘biggie’ that I think I need to address so I can move on from this point. I’m a cancer mummy. I still find it all hard. It still seems unreal. It can’t be me. This can’t have happened to my child. I guess I’m angry that it has happened. I’m sad that what I thought would be our future as a family is rocked by this devastating news. At times the reality of it can suddenly hit me with such a wave of negative emotions. And that can be hard for those around me. They are experiencing the situation themselves but I’m not privy to their innermost thoughts and fears so I can only write from my perspective. I’m hoping that ultimately writing will help me gain even more perspective and resilience to cope with our new future.
My child was diagnosed with a type of bone cancer which ultimately led to them losing a limb. This was completely unexpected. We’d been led to believe the limb was salvageable but alas ‘margins’ and ‘quality of life post op’ were such influencing factors we didn’t feel we had much of a choice but to progress down this route.
The last year and a half I threw myself into accruing as much knowledge as possible about the imminent dangers and present situation. Through the emotional support given to me by my partner he has helped me realise that trying to think about the future is futile – it’s just too wearing trying to figure out how to cope with the ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’. We dwell in the present.
We’re out of treatment now, and into a close monitoring phase to see if the cancer recurs. If it does, it will come back in the lungs and then it’s a case of more chemotherapy and possible bronchoscopies – and that as far as I wish to go with this line of knowledge.
We ARE irrevocably changed as individuals AND as a family unit, it’s made us stronger and more loving. As parents, it’s made us realise that the time we have is short so we need to make memories and push ourselves out of our comfort zones. Our children have, and continue to struggle with the enormity of it all. They are all teenagers though and am sure we as adults can all identify how impactful this period of life is without the added complication of a cancer diagnosis of a sibling.
So, now it’s a case of trying to get our life back on track, re-adjusting to our ‘new normal’ and getting on with getting on.