I haven’t blogged for sometime … I procrastinate SO much I could qualify for a special event in the Procrastinators Olympics, but then yet again, I’m sure I’d even put off submitting my application for that too! However, in my defence, there is something intensely personal about externalising your thoughts. And its becoming abundantly clear to me, that I struggle deeply with others perceptions of what I ‘do’ and ‘say’. So much so that I often cut myself off at the pass. I’m unsure where this fear has stemmed from, but I’m not sure it actually needs analysing. I just know it currently rules lots of my thoughts and behaviours. Some family members are possibly howling with laughter thinking “she actually has a internal regulator … REALLY?” And that I do … its currently on permanent overdrive although you have been warned as it may be about to be hit with a clog.
You see, I recently read a book (“The subtle art of not giving a f*ck” by Mark Manson), which on inspection in Waterstones initially appealed to my somewhat base sense of humour but also to the fact that as I perused the dust jacket I came across the phrase “improving our lives hinges not on our ability to turn lemons into lemonade, but on our learning how to better stomach lemons” Now, for the past few years I’ve been swathed in more lemons than a gin liking, curd devouring and meringue making girl could manage. We have survived divorce, accidents, ill health, relocation, cancer, amputations, and depression … in fact we’ve coped with so much its embarrassing. We live on a daily basis with the fallout from my daughters cancer and its Damocles-like influence over everything we do.
So this book appealed. It didn’t offer me a soft soaped approach to coping with the shit aspects of my life. It basically said that life is at times pretty ‘poopy’ and its how you re-act to the ‘poop’ that comes your way is what helps you in the long run. It IS a superb and easy read that I thoroughly recommend. It’s made me think long and hard about many aspects of my life and interactions, and at this time its really brought to the fore my lack of confidence in having my own voice and using it.
To be honest, I’ve been playing with this blog thing for a little while and to-date only a handful of people are aware of it, I haven’t dared link it to my personal page in fear of … I actually know not ‘what’ really … just judgement in general I guess … of my thoughts, my grammar and my attitude. I couldn’t resolve how to talk openly and honestly without the risk of getting shot down in flames … I wasn’t mentally prepared to take the flack. But this also felt like I wasn’t being ‘me’ … the thinking me, the worrying me, the loving me, the mardy me, the caring me. I am full of faults (as are we all) and accepting this and being comfortable with me is increasingly important as I meander through this landmine laden life.
Reading the book has made me look at what values I hold dear and although they are still a work in progress … honesty and trust are very high up on my value ladder. So I am taking the advice of a very lovely friend who has supported my inane ramblings and thinks I just need to bloody well get on with it (my words not hers, although I’m pretty sure she’ll be nodding and smiling now). So, I’m going too. Decision made. I’m getting all Diana Ross and “I’m coming out” (try and get rid of that particular earworm why don’t you … ha ha).
It no longer matters to me that I’m not a proficient writer, it no longer matters that ‘you’ might not agree with me, or that ‘you’ may not like what I write. That’s not the point. I’m not doing this to help ‘you’. I’d be happy if it made you smile but most importantly it makes me smile and ultimately writing is helping me deal with my lemon mountain.
I’m not entirely sure how often I’ll actually blog. I’ve recently committed to a photo a day challenge this month on Instagram so it would be nice to see if this inspires or hinders. Who knows, I’m not holding myself ransom to anything …