Soliloquy

You sadden me, you really do. This doesn’t do me any good. You’re completely unaware of it and so today, I’ve decided that I’m not going to let myself be saddened anymore.  And I feel enormously lifted by this decision.

You ‘choose’ not to see the children for months at a time – and you have your own reasons which I’m not privy too, yes life is hectic and busy, work is ever more demanding and time off is getting scarce, and I’m not even going to venture into the Maintenance thing.

You will blame their un-communicativeness as a possible reason – and yes – they are guilty – I will point out at this juncture that I live in the same house and they don’t always respond to my texts or prompts – I think its something to do with them being slightly ego-centric teenagers though! I try not to take it too personally, I don’t think you should either – after all you’re older, wiser and more mature…

To be brutally honest, it’s not the children whom I worry about, regarding your lack of contact with them per se. They are amazing children who live with two supportive parents (whom they detest at times because well … we ‘parent’ them – and for some odd evolutionary joke teenagers despise being parented).

It’s you … I worry for you. That you’re missing out on some wonderful times with them, with some unrepeatable memories to be made. That they would help you be a better more caring version of yourself.

Now, I know we had children together and we were together for a long time and I brought up some of your children from a past relationship – BUT we had THE most acrimonious divorce and we don’t enjoy each other’s company – so why the hell am I picking up the emotional crap of worrying that your parenting choices / involvement are negatively affecting you? You didn’t ask me too and I sure as hell don’t enjoy doing it.

 

Funny enough, I’ve just this week been having a discussion with a good friend about how life is pretty tough at the moment and I was trying to figure out how we move forward as a family following M’s diagnosis and amputation, and she pointed out that I do seem to take on board lots of ‘stuff’ from others.  It was a bit of a lightbulb moment … and then I found a quote that seems to fit perfectly what she had observed of me:

“I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back” Maya Angelou

 

I can’t change your attitude to parenting, and as it’s pretty much the damn the polar opposite of my style I don’t think there’s ever going to be much consensus there.

But on reflection, I think that I have been too ready to pick up the crap from others, … even if it’s not intended to be my crap!  It’s kind of been ‘my’ way, maybe I see myself as a bit of a good Samaritan – or maybe I’ve possibly taken the Wonder Woman thing a bit too far? So, that’s it … Justice League is going to have to cope in my absence … I’m hanging up the crown and listing the invisible plane on eBay.  I no longer need to fight for equality and justice for all. I think our children are grown up enough to fight for themselves, and I need to refocus my drive and desire on supporting and nurturing my family. And my throw back …? Well, I suppose to say I’m not angry anymore and that I’m thankful we ended our marriage. I’m a better person for it.

Oh by the way, Karma called and wanted to leave a message for you, but I was busy and frankly didn’t have a pen … so you might want to phone them back at some point …

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